Today’s conversation is about friendship. I was talking to my current best friend the other day and shared with her my recent realization that my best friend from high school is not compatible with who I am now.
Have you ever been friends with someone for years and years and one day you just look at them and think,
“Why in the world am I friends with you? Were you always like this?”
And the answer is…yes.
I realized that my high school friend, the “sista from another motha” was the same person she always was. I was the one who had changed.
And here is the “Idomewed” question: am I worthy of a better friend?
The answer to that would be, damn right!
Think about friendships the same way you would romantic relationships. You (at least you should) have requirements for someone if they want to be your friend. If someone wanted to date you, you would have a standard for what kind of person it takes to be with you.
I realized I am valuable. I already knew this, but this situation was an opportunity to learn a new aspect of my own value.
So when it comes to friends, we’re talking about the select people we allow into our circle-our “all-star team”.
Who’s on your all-star team?
When was the last time you reflected on the people in your life and whether they deserved to be there?
The Los Angeles Lakers don’t recruit players from the YMCA. Or the guy sweeping the floors between quarters.
So why do we bring people into our inner circle who aren’t worthy?
See, if we are living an “Idomewed” lifestyle, where we marry our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits, then we must be super-selective with the people we have around us.
We all know about this.
Mom or grandma said, “If your friends told you to jump off the Brooklyn bridge, would you do that, too?”
Our Sunday School teachers said, “Bad company corrupts good character.”
And Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”
Who are our closest friends? Who is this “starting line-up” on our all-star roster? And how are these people helping us win at the game of life?
My high school friend informed me that she didn’t need any new friends.
Meanwhile, I was making a mental note: Danger!
Because when you say you don’t need any new friends, that means you are complacent where you are in life and aren’t interested in growing. The people around you are a reflection of your state of cosnciousness…so, if you keep the same friends you had since you were in high school or college, then your mentality is stuck in high school or college.
In life, we are the General Manager of our team. We recruit our players and in turn, we can fire our players when they’re sabotaging us and causing us to lose.
This is about doing what’s best for us, not being a cold, callous person.
When my friend said those words, I realized we were on different paths. As much as I love her, as much as I love her family-and they love me-and as connected as we are in certain ways, she’s not interested in going places in life. She’s comfortable and complacent… and like the majority of people out there, unwilling to work on herself; unwilling to say “I do” to herself.
This means she can’t say “I do” to me, either. If you can’t love yourself, if you can’t be generous with yourself, if you can’t be a best friend to yourself, then how can you be a friend to anyone else?
I sat back and did a review: who’s on my all-star team? Who is my A-list? And most of all, what are the requirements for people to be on my A-list?
We all need to be doing this…well, if we have said “Idomewed” to ourselves we should. If you value yourself, then you have high standards for who you let hang around you. Your five closest friends must be a sacred space. Not just anyone gets to walk on in. They must prove themselves worthy.
This is easier said than done, isn’t it?
Our sentimentality overtakes us. Fear of being alone paralyzes us. Wanting to be liked and accepted ties our hands. We coddle our outdated relationships instead of taking an honest inventory of where things are at.
Evaluating my friend is difficult. I struggle with sentimentality as well. But I have said “I do” to myself, which means that I’m willing and able to be honest about our friendship. She is not fit to go where I’m going in life. Her consciousness is at a different place. We are on different paths. When I make big moves in life, she’s a “hater” waiting to happen. Because of her deep unresolved insecurities, her self-destruction button is primed and ready.
And in review, she has always been mean-spirited and emotionally unavailable. She is the last person in the world that I could go to for emotional support or encouragement when I’m having a rough time. She’s one of those females that don’t want to be bothered if she can’t “fix you”. Compassion and listening is a waste of time for her. She has a nice side, but I need more than she’s able to give me.
And don’t tell me that I’m giving up on her! That I’m judgmental. That I’m not hanging in there through thick or thin…
Not the case. That mentality is anti-“Idomewed”. In my post called “The Real Monogamy,” I explain that our loyalty needs to be to ourselves first. It isn’t selfishness, it’s love and devotion to self. If you can’t do it for yourself, then you can’t do it for anyone else. And if someone is an anchor around your neck dragging you under, does it make sense for you to drown with them?
It’s a new day. I have requirements for my A-list: one being that I deserve friends who are kind, nurturing, supportive of my dreams.
That’s right. I am.
As a consciously growing person, you will need to “spring clean” your relationship closet every couple of seasons.
Remember, the most important person on your team is…you.
Wishing you peace and internal ease,
“Idomewed!”
Helen
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