A few years ago, I decided that if I was going to be happy from within, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. It was time to figure out how to make the “self-help” or “personal development” theories real in my own life. This time was going to be different. I was going to be my own best friend-and not because I was stuck with myself without any other options. This time it was a choice, a choice of free will.
Being your own best friend sounds cute, doesn’t it? A great lofty concept and not much else, if you want to keep it real. Or it just sounds pathetic-a last resort for losers, social rejects or spinsters whose biological clocks are ticking away as they sit home alone on the weekends-the bridesmaid, never the bride types.
I thought to myself, can it be more than that? Can it actually be a state of personal evolution rather than a last resort of desparation and loneliness? If you’re wondering that too, then you’re in the right place. Read on.
So, being the pragmatic soul that I am, I opted to go the practical, action-oriented route.
This route began with me thinking about my best friends and how they became my best friends in the first place. I spent time with them, we talked, we went places. We shared things and experiences, secrets, tears, laughs, frustrations….
So that’s what I decided to do with myself. Becoming my own best friend. Step by step.
Step number one: Quality time.
I realized I was with myself 24-7 but not really. My friendship with me resembled Al and Peggy from the show “Married with Children.” If you haven’t seen the show, I’m referring to the archetype of the jaded old married couple who are miserable and hopelessly stuck with each other- the proverbial ball and chain.
In my old, stale marraige with myself I was taking the woman in the mirror for granted. I was merely co-habitating with myself like a roommate. Routine. Hum-drum. Wishing I was someone else doing something else. I was so dull to who I was that getting to know who I was didn’t even occur to me. But I didn’t know myself. And because I didn’t know myself I didn’t like myself.
So I started spending quality time alone. I did the unthinkable: going where I wanted to go-even if no one could go with me. I’m talking social situations, where being with a friend or a significant other is deemed indicative of self-worth in our society.
When I wanted to see a certain movie, I scoped out the small local theater and watched a flick-just me, myself and I. Got some popcorn, soda (back then I ate those things) and kicked my feet up. It was very embarrassing at first. I felt like a real loser sitting there with couples and groups of friends all around me. To ease the impact, I chose either matinees (a time of day where there were less people compared to a Friday night) or I went to small second-tier theaters where there wan’t much action anyway.
The experience was freeing. After I went home, I felt liberated from the social confines of having to be with other people all the time to have fun.
Then I did it again. I wanted to eat, to try out a new restaurant in my area. So I went. Treated myself to dinner. Alone. No dinner date. No girls night out. Just me, myself and I. Gotta admit, it was pretty awkward just sitting at a table for one. It felt like I was trapped inside a bad romantic comedy. Around me in all directions, it seemed that everyone was on a date or group outing with friends or family. I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I also felt embarrassed that people might be looking at me and thinking I’m a loser. But once more I stood my ground and blocked other people out, focusing on how good I was feeling inside. I ordered what I wanted and savored it all.
I discovered something. Being out with yourself gives you the opportunity to hear your thoughts in the present moment. Not the repetitive thoughts, those old tapes that always play inside your head, but your thoughts in real time-the new thoughts.
On my dinner date, as I sat at my table waiting for my meal to be prepared, I began noticing all the little things around me-the color scheme of the room, the way other people interacted with one another, and other details I otherwise would be oblivious to. I could look into the aura of other people and connect with them. A woman would be sitting there with her husband at the next table and I found it fun to just gently observe them-not eyeball them like a stalker, but allow myself to tune into their energy, seeing them in a deeper more introspective way and wonder about their lives.
Usually when people do this it comes from a place of judgment-what kind of clothes they are wearing, the brand name purse, and other things of a superficial nature on the basis of self-comparison. I’m talking about observing them from a neutral place without labeling them or feeling you are better or worse than they are. Being thoughtful instead of critical.
I discovered something more. Thinking to myself became like a personal conversation with me, myself and I. In the present moment, hearing my own thoughts rather than ignoring them or letting them fade to a “wah wah wah” in the background was new and subtly profound.
This was the beginning of getting to know me. When I did these things with myself, they were in essence for myself and subconsciously I felt loved and appreciated by myself.
Spending quality time alone showed me that I could actually be good company. It was a true revelation. Contentment can come from within. In fact, it can only come from within in the first place.
Next up, Step Two…..