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Archive for October, 2013

consistency

I have been going through alot lately on a personal level. It’s not a bad thing-it’s a good thing. But there is something I have noticed on my journey to wholeness.

No matter what kind of day I’m having, I now realize that there is only one thing that matters: consistency.

Take today for example. My day started with me lying in bed staring loftily at the ceiling, feeling pretty good….until it hits me. I jolt out of bed and rush to look at the clock in sheer panic. I have a 12 noon appointment and it is 12:20!

That’s how my day kicked off.

And as this same day is about to end- as I wind down for bed- I am thinking about where I’m at with my dreams and personal goals for this year. Despite the fact that I had a rough start, I still made time for my daily rituals I have developed over the course of this year-one being writing a list of what I’m grateful for every day.

On a day to day level, it feels as if nothing is happening. It’s like planting a seed and sitting there staring at the dirt wondering what’s going on:

Is it going to grow?

Did I do it right?

When, when, when?

Emotions seem to come and go. Sometimes I feel good about what I’m doing, sometimes it feels like nothing is happeming.

The only thing that appears to matter is consistency-what I do day in and day out.

Personal development innovator Tony Robbins always says we are a product of our rituals. Rituals are what we do the most consistently. It’s equivalent to watering and tending the soil so the plant grows. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about the seed and not what else needs to be done to make the seed grow.

I’m thinking that manifesting the life I visualize for myself is prefaced by consistency or as Tony calls it, my rituals. That means the business I’m building which seems to be stuck in neutral (the seed just planted) along with my visions of being a happy wife and mother, a innovative and successful entrepreneur- and most of all, having vibrant physical health and energy galore is here-it’s sprouting under the soil. I just need to keep watering it consistently.

But the reality is that I have already planted the seeds of my dreams. The issue now is to be consistent with my own rituals every day to assist in bringing those dreams to fruition. The consistency of me writing every day, working daily on my affirmations, researching and studying daily, applying for jobs positions daily, focusing on my goals and outcomes unceasingly by taking time to visualize every day, being grateful every day (I have recently been making a habit of writing a gratitude list daily)…

The point is that our lives are a product of what we do every day. Our daily rituals are either the keys to our success or the reasons for our failure.

Something to think about.

Sending you peace & internal ease,
“Idomewed”
Helen

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redpillbluepill

As you can see, for the past few posts my self-empowerment blog has been dedicated to my own self-empowerment more than anyone else’s.

And I’m okay with that.

Maybe it helps someone some kind of way. Perhaps it will resonate with someone else’s struggle. Or it spurs them on to think about their own circumstances in a constructive way. In my life, I have found that the things that help the most are when people allow themselves to be vulnerable, honest and can allow people a front row seat to someone else just like them working out issues in real time. Hopefully they will be inspired in the sense that if this person can do it, I can too.

We exist in a world where the master game is to have it all together. To be the “expert”, the “guru”, the “master teacher” the celebrity icon…

In other words, it’s about the image, the mirage, the illusion.

Forget about being honest with anyone else, can we be honest with ourselves?

That, my friends, is the question I constantly seek to answer.

There are reasons people would literally rather die than to face their own truth. One of these reasons is that deep down, they are afraid.

I’ve heard it stated that there are only 2 things that really exist in this universe: fear & love.

And our fear drives us to live lies (be it complete lies or half-truths) and choke out our own honesty and authenticity. We’re afraid that if we are really honest with ourselves then we will die.

We fear that:

The truth will literally destroy us.
We’ll lose everything.

That’s what the soap operas and t.v. dramas thrive on. It’s the same storyline: what will Deidre do if her fiance’ finds out she really is in love with another man? And that man is her fiance’s brother?

Dah-dun-duuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!

All this tells us that the truth is not a good idea.

Yeah, we know the Jesus guy said it will set us free. But it got him nailed to a cross.

(Just being honest).

And phrases like, “the truth hurts”, “the truth is ugly”, and the subsequent “God don’t like ugly” sets the stage for us to run the other way from anything too real.

Lately, the challenge has been for me to be totally honest with myself. This marraige to myself I call “Idomewed” is beckoning me to take it to the next level-not in the performance-based way, but the way of the heart. The longer you’re with someone, the more intimacy is required to deepen the bond and maintain it.

But back to today’s question: does honesty kill us or make us stronger?

I’m finding it to be a fear-based myth that we won’t survive the truth. Being honest with ourselves is never easy, but…what the hell is? And what is easy that’s also equally as worthwhile as what’s gained?

That sounds so awesome, philospohically speaking, I know. But in the “real” world, (or the matrix-take your pick), there comes a point where the lies wear thin for even the best of us. Bernie Madoff eventually got caught, remember?

When I speak of being honest, I mean the little things. I am referring to the emotions or feelings deep inside us. I allowed myself to be dissapointed about certain people from my past who let me down. One woman in particualr I loved as a friend and gave alot to monetarily, time-wise and energy wise. It was not reciprocated as I was not even invited to her wedding, never the less being asked to be in it.

That really hurt me and usually when she came to mind, I would practically slap my own wrists, telling myself that I should have seen the signs that she wasn’t a real friend to me in the first place and that I shouldn’t be petty about being in a wedding.

Well, the other night, I was in bed and for some reason she came to mind. (I think it’s because I’m currently writing a memoir about my life which is bringing up lots of memories and emotions). I automatically started to go into a wrist-slapping session when I realized what was happening. I said to myself, “Wait. It’s okay that you were dissapointed. It’s okay that you loved her.”

I’m not gonna lie. Being honest with myself was painful. But honesty brings a good kind of pain. It’s similar to the burn you feel working out (exercising). Once that passes, it is well worth it, because it makes you better. See, I have been in pain many times in my life and many of those times it has been unproductive. I think that’s what depression may be. When we dwell on emotions and thoughts that don’t serve us and actually beat us down-usually because we feel we deserve to feel bad.

After the inital pain of the moment of honesty, it feels better. Comforting. Realizing that it’s going to be okay. That I’m okay.

It (honesty) didn’t destroy me… In fact, it actually freed me.

Maybe that’s the metaphor for Christ’s crucifixtion: dying to the lies and being resurrected in the truth.

I found that when you can be honest with yourself, you find the self-acceptance that so many people talk so loosely about along with all the other “selfs”: self-love and self-esteem. When you accept your own feelings and emotions, it opens up the door for alot of good things to come into your life experience.

And I am starting to think that this self-acceptance may be the missing piece to why some of us are not attracting what we want into our lives. Lack of permission to feel and be who we are now has to interfere with the flow of the universe bringing us what we desire.

Anyway, another day, another experience. Lots of thankfulness for it all. I’ve been up and I’ve been down. It’s called being alive. Everything being perfect is not living. Everything being awful is not living, either. Let’s be appreciative for it all and continue living, loving & being!

Sending you peace & internal ease,
Helen

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stress

Another cathartic posting today. It feels like this is how I’m going to be dealing with some of my issues for the moment…

My neck is in knots. Tension-city. I have been painfully aware of this and have been making meager efforts to breathe deeply and release. It isn’t helping.

Alot of thoughts have been running around in my head today. I’ve been focusing on monitoring my thoughts and catching myself mid-stream when my thoughts are on a negative roll. As I was driving home from the store a few hours ago, I had a few moments where tears welled up in my eyes. It was that little girl again. She’s still in pain….and that little girl is inside of me.

It’s late October and the cold weather is here. I’m not happy about it. Summer here wasn’t warm at all and I feel robbed. This is the holiday season, too, which brings up family stuff. Some of this stuff I’m still dealing with.

I’m not talking about not getting enough hugs. I’m talking about serious trauma. SO serious, in fact, that I’ve just begun to realize the magnitude of it all.

The worst thing is not going through horrific experiences, believe it or not. It’s not being allowed to feel however you feel about them.

It’s being told what is and isn’t okay to think, feel and do.

It’s being told over and over that I was exaggerating things, or being insensitive to my parent’s “doing the best they could”, or me not being forgiving enough. Being told by family that I was ungrateful, being told my my church that I was a sinner, being told to release by the self-help gurus, told by my friends and acquaintances that we all have issues… and telling myself that my pain didn’t matter as a result. That I didn’t have a right to feel anything. That I needed to hurry up and get over it, otherwise I was a bad person… Otherwise the law of attraction is going to kick in and I would destroy my own future with my inner unresolved negativity.

But what about me? I think now. Where is the space held for me? I’m doing the best I know, too! I don’t deserve the same empathy, patience and understanding?

Sigh.

I’m in the process of redefining what is and isn’t okay. My shoulders are tense because I’m under so much self-imposed pressure. It’s like I’m an addict. beinghard on myself is on auto-pilot. And my goal is to pull the plug.

And that’s where the little girl in me comes in, because she never was allowed to just be. She never had the luxury to learn on her own schedule. She never had the option to make a mistake or not know how to do something. As I wrote last time, she never had the option of saying NO to something she didn’t want and YES to something she did.

BIG me is tired and I want to get off the hampster wheel. I’m having one of those moments where I want to do something but mentally I’m too tired to? Kinda like when you’re exhausted but you can’t sleep….

It’s feeling like one of those days where I need a good laugh and lots of permission from myself to not get this right. I need some self-prescribed patience. I’m human, too. It’s just new for me to consider the idea of this. No matter how young I was, I’ve always been expected to know how to do everything and whatever I did was never good enough. That core belief has been there all my life:

nothing I do will ever be good enough.

I am thinking that this is the lens I see the world through.

The mental work of changing these thoughts are downright exhausting. I’m physically drained, which had been a common issue for years now. When you are chronically fatigued, it’s easy to feel like you can’t do anything and it’s better to give up trying. Without energy, it’s hard to think straight, you know? You have to take it one minute at a time. (Maybe not a bad thing, after all).

My chronic health issues are also tied to that little girl. And I’m here trying to fit all the pieces to the different areas of my life together to see how in the hell I got here and how to start shifting things. I have had some victories already, but in other ways, I have so much more to do just to get to a place of normalcy!

I’m putting my energy together to work more on this. For now, it’s time to watch a movie.

Keep living, loving, learning! Stay committed to yourself!

Peace & love,
Helen

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spending time alone

This is going to be another one of those cathartic postings…I can just feel it.

As I shared earlier this week, I’ve been diving deeper into myself for some long-awaited answers.

You know those answers-the ones we’ve been asking everybody else and their momma for but still haven’t come to any satisfying conclusions?

Questions like, “When is my life going to take off? Am I destinied to struggle like this forever?”

Or,

“I’m doing everything “right”. I’m driven, determined, and sincerely seeking my highest good….Why is my life not changing?”

These are some of mine, anyway.

The past few years I have spent alot of time going to psychics, intuitives, learning tarot cards, using crystals, asking advice from friends, reading books, listening to empowerment audiobooks (i.e. Tony Robbins) and watching personal development videos. I’ve gone to meditation circles, group angel seances, reiki, psychologists, life coaches, wellness coaches, social workers, etc….etc… I’ve been asking these people to help me find the answers to solving the unwanted problems in my life-problems I just couldn’t seem to fix on my own.

I felt so stuck. Like I just don’t know what to do or how to change it. Here is the irony: the bulk of these people mentioned above commonly told me to trust myself, that I already had the answers.

I would get so frustrated! If that was true, I felt inwardly, then why don’t I know the answer?

They would say, “Talk to your angels and guides. They’re always there and always listening and speakng to you.”

Pssst! Yeah right! If THAT was true, I figured, then I would be hearing them, right? And we wouldn’t be having this conversation and I wouldn’t be paying you money I really don’t have, would I? (Insert sarcasm and poverty consciousness HERE.)

Another phrase I heard (which is the message of this post today) is to follow your heart. Some say to “follow your bliss”-a phrase that really began to grate on my nerves really quickly. Things like this sound good but didn’t seem to have any value in everyday life other than a panacea, similar to a high a junkie gets while “chasing the dragon” to avoid his or her suckey life.

But here is where I am…at a juncture where I decide to either take the remainder of this journey with my heart or without it.

As I write this, I have a personal epiphany. I don’t want to FOLLOW my heart; I want to exist THROUGH my heart. I want to LISTEN to my heart, speak its language and marry myself to it. To follow my heart seems to mean we are mutually exclusive, when that isn’t true for me. Maybe that’s been part of my dilemma in this lifetime. I’m chasing behind my heart and not living FROM it.

-I went to college when my heart said no.
-I majored in Biology instead of English or journalism when my heart said no.
-I joined a non-denominational church cult when my heart said, hell no!
-I dated and got engaged to the worst guy ever, moving across the country to be with him when my heart gave me a panic attack in the shower one day and screamed, NO!

..And then in 2010, I began saying YES when my heart said YES-one little decision at a time.

-I dropped out of college with only one general educational requirement left for my Bacchelor’s degree. My heart told me to let it go because it was blocking me from my destiny. I was destined to do big things on my own terms in an entrepreneurial way-not go to school and get a job working for someone else.

-I walked away from the church and religion thing. My heart said it was time to move on. I had outgrown the dogmas and the illusions of religion. When I did this, I lost everything from the roof over my head to my health. But my heart said I would die if I didn’t. I’m glad I listened.

-I began to pursue my childhood dream of being a writer. It seemed too late in the game according to my logical brain, but my heart said to get moving. In 2011, I began blogging. I’m glad I listened to that, too.

And so, here I am in 2013 taking the “Following my heart 102” course. Course 101 is the intial realization that I was going against my heart. It also covered my heart not even being important in my life decisions. In 101, I started to become more aware of what I was feeling on a very basic level.

two diverging paths

Now as I said, I am at a crossroads. I’m faced with either taking my relationship with my heart to the next level or moonwalk backwards into my old way of existing, risking a life of permanent mundane mediocrity and frustration.

This new choice is to take the least-traveled path with my heart. Last night I was faced with this. I found myself online going through new job ads. As an independent contractor, I listened to my heart again and walked away from my job in marketing with a fortune 500 company. Logically it sounds like a stupid idea, but at this stage of the game I know that the heart is not logical.

Now, I am seeking a new job position in my same field-although it doesn’t feel quite right. And I know deep down that my heart is going “Ehhh! This isn’t it.” But I am thinking about money….

Last night, though, I sat down and began writing in my journal. I made a “heart list” of what I REALLY wanted.

See, I realized that it isn’t that I don’t know what the answers are. What I don’t know is HOW things are going to happen or manifest-but the real issue now is that I have to be COMPLETELY HONEST with myself. I have got so many judgments on what I REALLY want based on my mother, my brother, society, my friends, and everybody else that I have been resisting this kind of honesty with myself. In other words, I’m looking at my own truth (heart’s desires) through the lens of other people’s eyes. So when these desires bubble up to the surface, I’m fighting not to push them back down again.

Desires like…

I don’t want to work.

There… I said it.

I see women who are in wonderful marraiges who are provided for by their husbands and, well, I want that, too. I was raised by the feminist generation that sees women as lazy or useless if they are financially provided for by men, but if I’m honest, I really don’t give a damn. I’m driven and career-oriented. I have dreams and plans to fulfill my own purpose in life…but that’s what I want; to be provided for materially. I believe material provision is a male quality. I get very stressed out about bills and stuff. I think more than most, to the point where I get seriously ill.

So here I am, looking for a job when in my heart, I cringe at the idea of slaving (even from my home office with flexible hours) to meet high paced deadlines. I don’t like my time being used up for meager hourly pay. If I DO do a job, it has to be something super-easy with my skillset, easy-going staff, something I love and pays AT LEAST 40-80/hour and it can’t have me tied to a computer for 40 hours a week. (Plus some other requirements, too).

Well, I have been suppressing this because in my head I could hear people rolling their eyes and saying, “Well we all want that!” or them thinking I am lazy or even worse, unrealistic. Now here comes the inner demons: Who am I to want to be paid 80/hour? With my chronic heath issues, (i.e. severe chronic fatigue syndrome) I can’t handle any kind of work! I don’t have the education or expertise to earn that much! I’m not that talented, smart or just plain worth it…am I?

My heart says yes.

My heart says my health issues cannot stop me from my life’s calling to teach and help people know and love themselves (which is my sole inspiration for starting this blog, by the way). My heart swears up and down that I’m worth as much as I think I am. It whispers to me that there are no limitations except those that I place on myself.

It’s a journey. And I’m starting to listen..and hear what my heart is saying…one moment, one whisper, one thought, one decision at a time.

Sending you all peace & internal ease,
Helen

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counseling

I have been in a virtual counseling session this week. Let’s say the past two weeks. Maybe three…

This counseling session has been an internal one. I am delving deep into myself these days. The concept of “inner child” has become very real for me. I have had to begin paying attention to the little girl inside of me-a little girl with unresolved wounds and traumas.

I am not alone as many of us are in this stage of our own personal journeys.

A lesson I’m learning is to honor the feelings that come up-especially the “bad” feelings. I realize that I have been trained by my past circumstances (i.e. childhood) to deny and suppress my negative emotions. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. The moment I have these feelings I unconsciously put the lid on them before I can process them.

This is because I was never allowed to FEEL. Maybe you can relate. I wasn’t allowed to cry (feel sad), to be angry, frustrated, dissapointed or to just say NO. I never had permission to say NO to something I didn’t want to do. Actually, there were pivotal times when I said YES to what I really wanted and I was not allowed to pursue that, either.

Add religious Christian programming to the mix and I had a layer of guilt about these feelings and a “moral” judgment on whether they were good or bad…

This has been most problematic.

When I have a feeling that is “bad” I tense up and stuff it back down. I was afraid of these feelings. And when I got into personal development stuff, i.e. law of attraction, that fear only intensified. I feared that any negative thoughts would single-handedly destroy my future. If I thought “I’m broke” I began to suppress it and get stressed, labeling it “bad” and fearing I have failed-again-dooming myself to a life of poverty and struggle.

Some serious stress.

The good news:

I have been working on myself for a long time now and have made much progress. This blog is one of the products of that progress. I have indeed said “I do” to myself and am in a lifelong partnership with me, myself and I. And just like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs. But that never takes away from the awesome experience of it all. The goal is never perfection-it’s experiencing the journey and learning valuable lessons along the way, too.

If you haven’t already guessed, this writing is to me from me. So I am vowing to honor my feelings, no matter how scary that may seem. To honor my feelings is to honor me. If I truly love myself, that includes how I feel. It means giving judgment a looooonng vacation.

I hope you will join me.

Lots of love,
Helen

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Following your heart

love photo

I had to follow my heart last week. Yeah, the ol’ Law of Attraction “follow your bliss” stuff again.

It all sounds great until you are in a real-life situation, isn’t it?

When life hits, that’s when you find out if you really believe all the crap you’re spouting.

My last blog was about learning to say NO to good things…. And I had to put that into practice last week.

I had been seeking a new “job” for months and I was imbetween projects (I’m freelance). In August I was hired to be on the marketing team of a major company.

Well, it was a great virtual work envirornment and the people were wonderful to work with…but…

one word: S-T-R-E-S-S!!!!!!!!!!

I know. Every job has stress. That’s what I kept telling myself as I looked at the piles of nonstop projects on my desk that were all due on the same day. I found myself chained to my computer and working massive unpaid overtime. It wasn’t what I enjoyed, but I thought,

“hey, gotta make some money somehow. This isn’t going to be forever-just to get some experience and save up some money to do what I really want to do later.”

It turns out that I was deluding myself. The big lesson was to follow my heart. Anything less will be disastrous. I’ve never been able to “fake the funk” as we used to say growing up. I knew myself enough by now to realize that I was repeating a cycle.

Here it is:

Cycle one- going to college
Cycle two-trying to do the 9 to 5 thing

This time around the writing was on the wall: Walk my own path! My spirit was screaming to release this bondage and move on. To activate the courage to say NO to something good-especially a check coming in consistently every week!

But I had been down this road before. (See my post “Self Awareness 101”) This time, I wasn’t going to fall into the same hole and get stuck there. As the saying goes, “When you know better, you do better.” I knew better, so the challenge was to actually DO better.

So I resigned. I left. Over. Done. Finito.

Why?

Because if I don’t follow my heart, I will die. Figuratively and literally. I was having migraines and my shoulders were in knots. The constant anxiety was wearing heavily on me. In my post, “The Real Monogamy” I posed the question of whether we are being faithful to ourselves first.

This situation made me realize that I had been having an affair on myself with my job.

Willing to lose my health and my sanity-for a job.

A job I didn’t like.

That wasn’t paying me what I was worth.

A stinking job.

I was thankful for my manager-who was awesome and the company for hiring me but I had to honor myself first.

Maybe it’s being over 35. Maybe it’s just lessons learned. But it’s too late in the game to be sacrificing myself for something that isn’t sacrificing for me. It’s past that time where I am sacrificing myself just to pay some stinking bills.

From here on out, I made a vow to myself to follow my heart and to trust my intuition and the Spirit within me (as well as the universal spirit realm) to guide me where I need to be-and that that place is where the financial abundance will be, too).

If you’re unhappy in your job, take a closer look and see if you’re living from your heart or from paradigms the world keeps feeding you. Unfortunately, we’re taught from birth that the only way to make money is to do something you hate.

Is that true? Then join me on the journey of following your heart, too!

Until next time,
Sending you peace & internal ease,
“Idomewed!”
Helen

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