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Posts Tagged ‘self-acceptance’

self blame

I’m learning to be human.

Sounds simple, but the simplest things are hardest sometimes.

In this marriage with myself, it can often mirror a relationship with someone else–trying to be perfect.

Do these sound familiar?

—If I go on this diet, I’ll lose weight and be liked more
—If I stop making this mistake, I’ll be okay;life will be okay
—If I….

At the core of it, I have this feeling that if I am perfect, then I will be loved unconditionally. Not only that, but Life will be perfect, my relationships will be perfect, I’ll be accepted and not corrected and I won’t disappoint anyone….

Wish me luck.

I’m starting to internalize the fact that I am only human. And that being human is not a bad thing.

Let’s get philosophical for a minute.

What if being human means vulnerability? What if this fragile-ness, this ability to not only succeed but to fail, to rise but to fall, to laugh but cry is the whole point of it all?

What if the key to perfection is embracing our imperfection?

What if being weak really does make us strong?

You know what’s been funny right now? Is that the more I just accept the fact that I feel weak, vulnerable, unsure and other “negative” emotions in my life; the more I realize that I don’t have the answers to my own dilemmas, the more I feel free.

The better and more secure I am in my relationship with ME.

Maybe I’m not supposed to be prefect. Maybe-just maybe-I’m supposed to simply BE.

How about you?

Until we meet again,
“Idomewed!”

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redpillbluepill

As you can see, for the past few posts my self-empowerment blog has been dedicated to my own self-empowerment more than anyone else’s.

And I’m okay with that.

Maybe it helps someone some kind of way. Perhaps it will resonate with someone else’s struggle. Or it spurs them on to think about their own circumstances in a constructive way. In my life, I have found that the things that help the most are when people allow themselves to be vulnerable, honest and can allow people a front row seat to someone else just like them working out issues in real time. Hopefully they will be inspired in the sense that if this person can do it, I can too.

We exist in a world where the master game is to have it all together. To be the “expert”, the “guru”, the “master teacher” the celebrity icon…

In other words, it’s about the image, the mirage, the illusion.

Forget about being honest with anyone else, can we be honest with ourselves?

That, my friends, is the question I constantly seek to answer.

There are reasons people would literally rather die than to face their own truth. One of these reasons is that deep down, they are afraid.

I’ve heard it stated that there are only 2 things that really exist in this universe: fear & love.

And our fear drives us to live lies (be it complete lies or half-truths) and choke out our own honesty and authenticity. We’re afraid that if we are really honest with ourselves then we will die.

We fear that:

The truth will literally destroy us.
We’ll lose everything.

That’s what the soap operas and t.v. dramas thrive on. It’s the same storyline: what will Deidre do if her fiance’ finds out she really is in love with another man? And that man is her fiance’s brother?

Dah-dun-duuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!

All this tells us that the truth is not a good idea.

Yeah, we know the Jesus guy said it will set us free. But it got him nailed to a cross.

(Just being honest).

And phrases like, “the truth hurts”, “the truth is ugly”, and the subsequent “God don’t like ugly” sets the stage for us to run the other way from anything too real.

Lately, the challenge has been for me to be totally honest with myself. This marraige to myself I call “Idomewed” is beckoning me to take it to the next level-not in the performance-based way, but the way of the heart. The longer you’re with someone, the more intimacy is required to deepen the bond and maintain it.

But back to today’s question: does honesty kill us or make us stronger?

I’m finding it to be a fear-based myth that we won’t survive the truth. Being honest with ourselves is never easy, but…what the hell is? And what is easy that’s also equally as worthwhile as what’s gained?

That sounds so awesome, philospohically speaking, I know. But in the “real” world, (or the matrix-take your pick), there comes a point where the lies wear thin for even the best of us. Bernie Madoff eventually got caught, remember?

When I speak of being honest, I mean the little things. I am referring to the emotions or feelings deep inside us. I allowed myself to be dissapointed about certain people from my past who let me down. One woman in particualr I loved as a friend and gave alot to monetarily, time-wise and energy wise. It was not reciprocated as I was not even invited to her wedding, never the less being asked to be in it.

That really hurt me and usually when she came to mind, I would practically slap my own wrists, telling myself that I should have seen the signs that she wasn’t a real friend to me in the first place and that I shouldn’t be petty about being in a wedding.

Well, the other night, I was in bed and for some reason she came to mind. (I think it’s because I’m currently writing a memoir about my life which is bringing up lots of memories and emotions). I automatically started to go into a wrist-slapping session when I realized what was happening. I said to myself, “Wait. It’s okay that you were dissapointed. It’s okay that you loved her.”

I’m not gonna lie. Being honest with myself was painful. But honesty brings a good kind of pain. It’s similar to the burn you feel working out (exercising). Once that passes, it is well worth it, because it makes you better. See, I have been in pain many times in my life and many of those times it has been unproductive. I think that’s what depression may be. When we dwell on emotions and thoughts that don’t serve us and actually beat us down-usually because we feel we deserve to feel bad.

After the inital pain of the moment of honesty, it feels better. Comforting. Realizing that it’s going to be okay. That I’m okay.

It (honesty) didn’t destroy me… In fact, it actually freed me.

Maybe that’s the metaphor for Christ’s crucifixtion: dying to the lies and being resurrected in the truth.

I found that when you can be honest with yourself, you find the self-acceptance that so many people talk so loosely about along with all the other “selfs”: self-love and self-esteem. When you accept your own feelings and emotions, it opens up the door for alot of good things to come into your life experience.

And I am starting to think that this self-acceptance may be the missing piece to why some of us are not attracting what we want into our lives. Lack of permission to feel and be who we are now has to interfere with the flow of the universe bringing us what we desire.

Anyway, another day, another experience. Lots of thankfulness for it all. I’ve been up and I’ve been down. It’s called being alive. Everything being perfect is not living. Everything being awful is not living, either. Let’s be appreciative for it all and continue living, loving & being!

Sending you peace & internal ease,
Helen

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cat lion image for self-esteem

Personal responsibility?

Ugh.

Most people hate that phrase. They shut down and start defending or deflecting. If you say they need to take personal responsibility you’re:

Insensitive. Judgmental. Arrogant. Harsh.

I used to feel that way, too. When hearing about owning my life circumstances, I would gather my friends around (who were in the same crappy situation as me) so we could stew in the “people haven’t walked a mile in my shoes” pot together. A little “self-pity” soup with a justification sandwich on the side…

Until I changed. Until Idomewed.

There is no IdomeWed without Idomeown. No Idomewed without Idometake-personal-responsibility. No Idomewed without Idomelove, honor and obey myself.

No one can exist in the realm of “idomewed” without putting up a magnifying glass up to themselves first. Actually, Idomewed is a conscious state of being where self-examination is an everyday practice, just like brushing your teeth or eating.

This is something the human ego fights against. Most people resist going inside and asking the tough critical questions of themselves, such as:

Why did I behave that way?

If I knew this person didn’t love me, why did I stay in the relationship so long?

Or:

Why is it people always enjoy being around me?

What is it about me that attracts the same kinds of people, be it at my job, romantically, friendship-wise, etc.?

Why do I love to gamble so much? (MOM) ….What does that say about me?

The list is unending, but the point is self-examination of the good and the bad. We especially have to take a hard look at the things about us or about our lives that we don’t like-not to criticize (blame) but to see what the diagnosis is (personal responisibility).

Here’s the jewel, so pay attention:

Most people don’t take personal responsibility because they confuse personal responsibility with blame.

Yes.

What is the difference?

Personal responsibility is embracing yourself (Idomewed). It is accepting and loving yourself no matter how much you messed up. It means not judging yourself. It means not criticizing yourself.

self blame

Blame, on the other hand, is just that: self-criticism. You tell yourself you were stupid. Dumb. Incapable. Untrustworthy. Weak-and most devastating of all…a victim. When you are a victim of your circumstances, hope is lost. Blaming others or yourself is a deflection from owning up to the choices we’ve made in life. When a bad relationship ends, instead of owning our part in it, we lament about how we gave everything to this person and they took advantage of us. When we get laid off we fail to realize that it wasn’t just that the corporation we worked for is the devil incarnate-WE hated that job and deep down wanted to start that business we always dreamed of having anyway.

See, when we blame, we are telling the universe that we are weak and not powerful beings. Religion is built on this theory, where we are the powerless peons who need some kind of cosmic savior to rescue us from ourselves and carry the consequences for our actions.(AHEM-JESUS!)

But love for self is unconditional, so NO bad choice or situation can undo that. We’ve already said “I do” to ourselves!

responsibility

But when we take personal responsibility, we’re saying we can carry our own weight. We are bigger than our circumstances-good or bad. We are empowered, which means no way will we even CONSIDER giving our power away to another person, group or entity.

Our personal power is our most precious resource. The power of CHOICE is always ours-always.

One more thing before we go…

Oftentimes we get defensive when someone tells us to take personal responsibility for our lives because we are so hard on ourselves already. We are our biggest critic. Our own worst enemy. I’ve heard it said that if we told another person the things we tell ourselves we’d be arrested for verbal and psychological abuse.
You wouldn’t say some of the things you tell yourself to your worst enemy. Me included.

So when personal responsibility is brought up, we react emotionally. We feel misunderstood, judged, beat up on, mistreated. We mis-interpret taking self-responsiblity for it being OUR FAULT (Blame). There is a big difference. We associate FAULT with being a bad person, a screw-up, a loser..and the list goes on…

But taking personal responsibility isn’t about whose “fault” it is. It isn’t about who should be ridden with guilt. It’s a life skill. It must be learned and developed like a muscle. It means learning to look at yourself more neutrally instead of judging your self-worth based on the choices and decisions you’ve made, like the person you married, getting pregnant at 15, going to jail, cheating, lying or stealing…

Our choices are a reflection of our state of consciousness, not our self-value!!!

**Our self-worth has nothing to do with the things we DO!***

So own it. Be it…. Idomewed.

Peace and internal ease,
Helen

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