Posts Tagged ‘fear’


It’s that time of year again: the start of a New Year.

It’s my favorite time of year, energetically speaking. As far as weather-it sucks. As I type this, my feet are wet from the ankle-high slippery brown slush covering the streets and the near-zero degree weather. But I relish the season of holiday cheer and love coupled with the spirit of new beginnings. Everyone is thinking about having a happy new year, they’re hopeful for change and are reflecting on the past year while setting goals for the one ahead. I’m like this all the time, so I like when others around me are “mandated” by the Gregorian calendar to do so, too.

Anyway (did I divert from the topic?) I’ve been thinking about what my new “non-negotiables” need to be for 2014. That is, if I want my life to be what I want and deserve it to be.

Then I thought, hey-why don’t I share that with the “Idomewed” gang?

Because as it goes, in my humble opinion, these are bucket list rules we can all use right now.

Non-negotiable #1: Upgrading our friends.

The people we have around us are CRITICAL to our happiness and our success in life-be it in relationships, career, money or whatever. We’ve got to purify our INNER CIRCLE- what I call my ALL-STAR team. These star players need to be on point in this game we call life. Too many of us have people who should be “riding the pine” as our All-star players and that’s why we’re losing. We should have Kobe Bryant but instead we’ve got the guy who sweeps the floors playing power forward. (It’s a Basketball analogy, so stay with me here.)

It’s time to upgrade. Negative people need to be fired from the team. So do complainers. And those who don’t believe in us. And those who don’t value us. It’s time to put it out into the Universe that we deserve and desire people around us who love us, respect us and bring value to our lives. Some friends are old and dear, and they need to be subtly demoted to the bench player. You may have known them since you were 5, but they may also be holding you back.

The “I do me wed” mentality is about loving ourselves in all ways. Part of this lifestyle of self-love is having a high standard for who we allow into our lives and how close they will be. We must value ourselves and when we do, we will have higher standards for who we have on our “All-Star Team”. Most of us just let anyone play, and this year we can no longer afford to continue having the wrong people, mediocre people, or destructive people around us.

Non-negotiable #2: Stop being scared.

We’ve made the goal lists. We’ve done the vision boards. Got real excited about change. Yadda-yadda ya. Now it’s time to take some action. It’s time to feel the fear and do it anyway. If we’re out there pursuing our dream, it’s time to take a big gulp and take things to the next level. Time to make some phone calls that makes you nervous, pitch your idea to someone who you are scared will say no, attend that networking meeting you’ve been making excuses about not attending. It’s not an option to stay cowering in fear because of the economy, or because we may fail. It’s time to wrap our minds and hearts around failure being a normal part of life and a stepping stone rather than a reason to quit. The way the world is going, we don’t have the option to quit or remain comfortable. There is no security as we’ve been sold. Our faith, creativity, and connection with ourselves and the universe is our only security.

Non-negotiable #3: Stop comparing ourselves to others.

Yes, I am guilty as charged. One of my biggest weaknesses is comparing my life to other’s. This New Year was difficult for me for that very reason. I was comparing my progress with the people around me and it seemed I was the biggest loser. This made me seriously depressed. Today I’m out of the hole, and I have decided that me continuing to compare myself is no longer an option. It seemed everyone around me was falling in love (with another person, not themselves). My best friend got engaged right at the New Year’s 12 AM fireworks. Some other people I know are also recently in relationships. I wasn’t (again, with another person romantically).

My depression came from comparing my situation to theirs. And it took some soul-searching to get grounded again. My circumstances are not theirs. My journey is not theirs. My timing is not theirs. We have to cease and desist from blaming ourselves for things not manifesting as fast or effortlessly as someone else’s does. This is toxic and it blocks our own flow.

Non-negotiable #4: Start giving things time to work.

Also guilty as charged. So many of us give up just before the miracle. We must dedicate ourselves to seeing things through. I have a bad habit of getting discouraged if I don’t see physical results in like, a week! I know, it’s pretty atrocious. But it’s a non-negotiable in 2014. We have to be determined and unrelenting to see the results more than how fast we see the results. I did a 20-day detox and lost no weight and was ready to throw in the towel. Mentally, it’s imperative for us to hit the RESET button every week or so to refresh our mental perspective. We need to mentally train ourselves to be patient with things and not give up. It’s an immature mindset and we need to upgrade how we operate.

I know for me, I’m the person who doesn’t like driving to new places. I have the map, the mapquest, the GPS and I still get anxious to the point where I turn around to stop for directions only to find I was almost there. The mall was just beyond the miles of trees but I got scared I was going the wrong direction since it seemed to be taking too long.

Which leads us to the next “non-negotiable”:

Non -negotiable #5: Trusting ourselves and doing what’s right for us.

It’s time to start trusting ourselves. To be honest, we’re going to have to regain some credibility. We’ve spent our lives trusting so-called “experts’ and authorities that we don’t dare believe our own spirits when they speak to us. It’s time to reduce the time watching tv, listening to music all day on our I pods, or waiting for Doctor Oz to approve what’s okay to eat or what supplement to take. We have to research and study and take our lives into our own hands. This is a process, so those of us who are already doing this need to take it to the next level and those who haven’t even started need to begin questioning the so-called wisdom of our doctors, religious leaders, dentists, and government. Then we have to begin sayin NO to things they want us to do that doesn’t make sense or feel right to us.

It’s time to stand up for ourselves. We intuitively know what’s best for us. And it’s time we started believing it.

And let me say that what’s in our best interests is often not in the best interests of government, corporations, big Pharma, Food Inc. and other people. We need to protect our personal freedom to proper and be happy.

Sending love to you all,


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As you can see, for the past few posts my self-empowerment blog has been dedicated to my own self-empowerment more than anyone else’s.

And I’m okay with that.

Maybe it helps someone some kind of way. Perhaps it will resonate with someone else’s struggle. Or it spurs them on to think about their own circumstances in a constructive way. In my life, I have found that the things that help the most are when people allow themselves to be vulnerable, honest and can allow people a front row seat to someone else just like them working out issues in real time. Hopefully they will be inspired in the sense that if this person can do it, I can too.

We exist in a world where the master game is to have it all together. To be the “expert”, the “guru”, the “master teacher” the celebrity icon…

In other words, it’s about the image, the mirage, the illusion.

Forget about being honest with anyone else, can we be honest with ourselves?

That, my friends, is the question I constantly seek to answer.

There are reasons people would literally rather die than to face their own truth. One of these reasons is that deep down, they are afraid.

I’ve heard it stated that there are only 2 things that really exist in this universe: fear & love.

And our fear drives us to live lies (be it complete lies or half-truths) and choke out our own honesty and authenticity. We’re afraid that if we are really honest with ourselves then we will die.

We fear that:

The truth will literally destroy us.
We’ll lose everything.

That’s what the soap operas and t.v. dramas thrive on. It’s the same storyline: what will Deidre do if her fiance’ finds out she really is in love with another man? And that man is her fiance’s brother?


All this tells us that the truth is not a good idea.

Yeah, we know the Jesus guy said it will set us free. But it got him nailed to a cross.

(Just being honest).

And phrases like, “the truth hurts”, “the truth is ugly”, and the subsequent “God don’t like ugly” sets the stage for us to run the other way from anything too real.

Lately, the challenge has been for me to be totally honest with myself. This marraige to myself I call “Idomewed” is beckoning me to take it to the next level-not in the performance-based way, but the way of the heart. The longer you’re with someone, the more intimacy is required to deepen the bond and maintain it.

But back to today’s question: does honesty kill us or make us stronger?

I’m finding it to be a fear-based myth that we won’t survive the truth. Being honest with ourselves is never easy, but…what the hell is? And what is easy that’s also equally as worthwhile as what’s gained?

That sounds so awesome, philospohically speaking, I know. But in the “real” world, (or the matrix-take your pick), there comes a point where the lies wear thin for even the best of us. Bernie Madoff eventually got caught, remember?

When I speak of being honest, I mean the little things. I am referring to the emotions or feelings deep inside us. I allowed myself to be dissapointed about certain people from my past who let me down. One woman in particualr I loved as a friend and gave alot to monetarily, time-wise and energy wise. It was not reciprocated as I was not even invited to her wedding, never the less being asked to be in it.

That really hurt me and usually when she came to mind, I would practically slap my own wrists, telling myself that I should have seen the signs that she wasn’t a real friend to me in the first place and that I shouldn’t be petty about being in a wedding.

Well, the other night, I was in bed and for some reason she came to mind. (I think it’s because I’m currently writing a memoir about my life which is bringing up lots of memories and emotions). I automatically started to go into a wrist-slapping session when I realized what was happening. I said to myself, “Wait. It’s okay that you were dissapointed. It’s okay that you loved her.”

I’m not gonna lie. Being honest with myself was painful. But honesty brings a good kind of pain. It’s similar to the burn you feel working out (exercising). Once that passes, it is well worth it, because it makes you better. See, I have been in pain many times in my life and many of those times it has been unproductive. I think that’s what depression may be. When we dwell on emotions and thoughts that don’t serve us and actually beat us down-usually because we feel we deserve to feel bad.

After the inital pain of the moment of honesty, it feels better. Comforting. Realizing that it’s going to be okay. That I’m okay.

It (honesty) didn’t destroy me… In fact, it actually freed me.

Maybe that’s the metaphor for Christ’s crucifixtion: dying to the lies and being resurrected in the truth.

I found that when you can be honest with yourself, you find the self-acceptance that so many people talk so loosely about along with all the other “selfs”: self-love and self-esteem. When you accept your own feelings and emotions, it opens up the door for alot of good things to come into your life experience.

And I am starting to think that this self-acceptance may be the missing piece to why some of us are not attracting what we want into our lives. Lack of permission to feel and be who we are now has to interfere with the flow of the universe bringing us what we desire.

Anyway, another day, another experience. Lots of thankfulness for it all. I’ve been up and I’ve been down. It’s called being alive. Everything being perfect is not living. Everything being awful is not living, either. Let’s be appreciative for it all and continue living, loving & being!

Sending you peace & internal ease,

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